Bloodshed over lunch

July 5, 2013

Have you ever done something so spectacularly stupid that you almost have to step back in awe as you survey what an inexcusable dumbass you have just been?

(Raising hand, here. Ouch. That hurts.)

I had run across a recipe on the Interwebs recently for a BLT tostada. I was casting about for something for lunch, and I thought to myself, “Self? You have bacon. You have tomatoes. You have no lettuce, but you have avocadoes. And you have mayo and corn tortillas,”my go-to replacement for bread.

Always willing to go the Interwebs one better, I decided rather than a tostada, I’d have me a couple of bacon-tomato-avocado tacos.

Bad move No. 1. The Interwebs sometimes knows what it is talking about. Trust the Interwebs.

So I set about frying bacon and slicing tomatoes and preparing to assemble said tacos. And I got the bacon fried and drained, and the tomatoes sliced, and had warmed the tacos up in the bacon grease, not until they were crispy, but just until they were good and hot, and blotted the grease off them and spread them with mayo. And I went to cut and pit my avocado.

With my newly sharpened-very-sharp, thankyouverymuch, knife.

Whereupon I sliced a flap of flesh about an inch long and a half-inch wide from the side of my thumb.

Whereupon I grabbed for the first thing I could find to staunch the copious bleeding, all the while swearing violently and creatively. That turned out to be the crumpled paper towel with which I had wiped up the juice from the tomatoes  that was on the cabinet.

Tomatoes, you may recall are acidic. Acid + cut flesh = more violent swearing, and maneuvering paper towels off the roll with my elbow and my teeth while continuing to clutch the tomato-juice-and-bloodsoaked sheet to my thumb with my other hand. Then I went in search of bandaids.

You will recall I am staying with my friend Kate, or at least in her house, since she left for a short vacation yesterday. So I did not know where she kept bandaids. Rifled through a couple of drawers in her bathroom; no bandaids. Retreated to my bedroom and bath, pawed through my bags, finally locating two elderly bandaids as well as a third which was about 2 x 3 inches.

Clawed open the two elderly bandaids, which were old enough the wrapping paper was sticking to them. Slapped them on, securing the still-attached-at-one-end flap of flesh back down to my thumb. It took two of ’em to cover it, and it bled through them in about 2 minutes, which was what I expected. Covered those with the 2 x 3 bandaid, and went back to assembling lunch, which now looked much more like a crime scene than lunch. I cleaned up the gore, which fortunately had not come in contact with the food.

And then I found that the mayo-coated tortillas did NOT wish to contain the slippery tomato and avocado, which kept spilling out. So I cursed some more, diced everything up, and threw it in a bowl.

You have no photos of this concoction, because the movers packed my camera, and I do not mean in my camera bag, which, with two lenses and no camera inside it, I have in my car. Sigh. But anyway, it tasted good.

You ‘n y’mama ‘n ’em enjoy your Friday. I’m about to go get more bandaids, because this baby will require them for a while.

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One Response to “Bloodshed over lunch”

  1. Whitney Reynolds Says:

    Jay keeps our knives SO SHARP, I’ve done this before…


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